=><= ''PROLOGUE'' <==> ''Welcome to Eureka Simulator 2017''. This is a text-based adventure game where your choices shape future events. The game will tell you the inside story of the UCLU European Society publication Eureka from an inside perspective as you roleplay Eureka's latest sub-editor. (set: $moral to 5) Any relation to real persons is purely coincidental, except for Ido Vock, who is the in-game incarnation of Ido Nathaniel, otherwise known as Bido Nock, Libido Cock, or Ido Vock. [[What?]]

=><= ''PROLOGUE'' <==> Never mind. The game features a wide range of cameos from ESPS. And they're all tasteful cameos, so Andrew King need not worry for you! [[All hail the King.]]

=><= ''PROLOGUE'' <==> Okay, I think it's about time we got started. Sober up now. [[I'm ready.]]

=><= ''ACT I: EUREKA MEANS EUREKA'' <==> You walk into the common room. (set: $moral to 5) You usually have better things to do than pay a visit to this squalid white cell, but this is a Wednesday afternoon, and you didn't want to have to pay for coffee. You are still a little bit hungover. [[It could be worse.]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> A broody second year approaches you from the corner of your eye. =><= "''So, are you going to write for Eureka?''" he says. [[Mumble something about not being interested]] [["Sure, how do I apply?"]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> The boy is completely non-plussed by your response. He just sort of keeps talking, but that's okay, because he is inexplicably really engaging. "''We need more articles for this edition. Turns out this department doesn't contain as many millenial europhile complaints as I thought. Sure you couldn't lend a hand?''" he says. [[Heavily imply that you don't have any ideas]] [[Heavily imply that you are very bad at writing political commentary]] [[Heavily imply that you wish to invite him on a date]] [[Ask what kind of topics you can write on]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> "''Honestly? I'll take articles on anything at this point. You do ESPS, right? You must have some views on the current political climate. Or French rap.''" [["I've been spending quite a long time recently mulling over Emmanuel Macron's peculiar choice of wife."]] [["I wish to explain how David Cameron's problematic views on porcile penetration are inextricably linked to the Eastern European nation of Czechia."]] [["How would you feel about a nascent criticism of the EU, written in a way that wouldn't seem out of place in the Spectator?"]] [["I just can't stop thinking about Sweden. Can I write something about Sweden? Get it off my chest and stuff. God, I just love Sweden. Did I mention the Swedes?"]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> "''Come on, you must have something. If you're really stuck, I have a few -''" Before he can finish, there is an interjection from across the room. "''How about a satire focusing on the breakfast-Brexit dichotomy? I'll write you a draft if you're not sold''"". The interjection comes from a blonde boy sitting at the computer. He is making an odd face but he looks like he has good intentions. And you recognise him as the one who buys all the coffee. [[Accept this surprising opportunity as a chance to experiment with your avant-garde sense of humour]] [[Ignore the interjection and ask the other boy what his ideas are.]] [[Exclaim "That sounds like an eggxcelent idea" and immediately collapse into self-loathing for making such a shoddy pun.]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> "''Well, I don't mind if you want to write on a less politically focused topic. Some of our best editorial recently has been on French Rap. I can put you in contact with the writer if you want.''" [["I've been spending quite a long time recently mulling over Emmanuel Macron's peculiar choice of wife."]] [["How about something that's literally 1000 words of placating Andrew King's ego?"]] [["I just can't stop thinking about Sweden. Can I write something about Sweden? Get it off my chest and stuff. God, I just love Sweden. Did I mention the Swedes?"]] [[How does Eureka feel about Savage-esque think-pieces or poetry? ]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> This time he seems to actually key that you said something, as if he has some sort of sensor that activates his brain when things get weird. "''Wow. This is only the 14th time I've been chirpsed in this very common room. SAD. Well, if you write for Eureka maybe we can talk about it. Except I have a girlfriend so we won't. Write for Eureka.''" [[Reluctantly agree, and make plans to go home and cry over this savage yet somehow satisfying rejection.]] (set: $moral to $moral+1) [[Storm out of the common room in a huff.]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> "''So what would you be interested in writing about? I'll take anything at this point. You do ESPS, right? You must have some views on the current political climate. Or French rap.''" [["I've been spending quite a long time recently mulling over Emmanuel Macron's peculiar choice of wife."]] [["I wish to explain how David Cameron's problematic views on porcile penetration are inextricably linked to the Eastern European nation of Czechia."]] [["How would you feel about a nascent criticism of the EU, written in a way that wouldn't seem out of place in the Spectator?"]] [["I just can't stop thinking about Sweden. Can I write something about Sweden? Get it off my chest and stuff. God, I just love Sweden. Did I mention the Swedes?"]]

=><= ''YOU ARE FAKE NEWS'' <==> You decided not to write for Eureka after you were spurned by some guy in the common room. I hope this was a satisfying conclusion for you, because it was really unsatisfying to write. [[Click here to see your scores.->scoreboard]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write a thinkpiece on Macron's wife, which will probably turn out to be bigoted and problematic, which will add a level of nuance to Eureka's otherwise politically correct selection. You decide to cut to the chase. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the most bigoted thing ever written. He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Great. (set:$route to "macron") [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write a thinkpiece on David Cameron, pigs and Czechia. It'll be fucking hilarious. In your head. Good luck. You cut to the chase. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the most pig-fuckery laden thinkpiece ever written. He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Great. (set:$route="dave") [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write a Jack-Hickman style thinkpiece on the EU, which will probably turn out to be the editor's favourite, despite the fact that you've just made this choose-your-own-adventure very boring indeed. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the most obsequious thing ever written. He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Great. (set:$route to "hick") [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write a brief on the Swedeness of Sweden, and you're still shocked that the editor said yes. Maybe he thinks you'll give his flatmate a run for his Swedish money (kroner). You decide to cut to the chase. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the most Swedish thing ever written. He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Skål! (set:$route to "swede") [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write a thinkpiece on Andrew King, which will probably end up getting send to the man himself. Everyone will wonder if you're being ironic, despite the fact that you literally love Andrew King. You decide to cut to the chase. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the most cuckolded thing ever written. He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Great. (set: $route to "king") [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''YOU ARE FAKE NEWS'' <==> The boy strangles you to death on the common room floor. We don't talk about Savage. Feel free to shit on Pi Media though. Oh also that means you lose. [[Click here to see your scores.->scoreboard]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> The blonde boy seems overtly pleased with your choice, and says he'll email you another day with his draft. "''Great. I was worried no one would be interested!''" he says. "''That is because it is a shit idea.''" replies the editor. "''Although, if you're a good writer, I suppose it might have potential. So I'll let you give it a go. Just don't spend too long with the blonde cuck.''" he adds. "''Hey!''" replies the cuck. [[Commit to writing a satire of Brexit-Breakfast]] [[Refuse to take writing ideas from a cuck]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> "''Well, let's see... you could write a thinkpiece on the current state of the European Union. Those are always in demand. I'm sure you've got a novel opinion on the subject. It definitely hasn't been done to death. Otherwise, maybe something cultural?''" [[Write a thinkpiece on the EU]] [[Think about the cultural topics you could cover]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> The blonde boy laughs far too hard and says he'll email you another day with his draft. "''Great. I was worried no one would be interested!''" he says. "''That is because it is a shit idea.''" replies the editor. "''But, if you're a good writer, I suppose it might have potential. So I'll let you give it a go. Just don't spend too long with the blonde cuck.''" he adds. "''Hey!''" replies the cuck. [[Commit to writing an eggxcellent satire of Brexit-Breakfast]] [[Refuse to take writing ideas from a cuck]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write a thinkpiece on the EU, despite the fact that it's not very interesting and you probably won't get around to writing it before the deadline. You decide to cut to the chase. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the most boring thing ever written. He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Great. (set:$route to "EU") [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You mull it over for a moment, then respond with newfound vigor. [["I've been spending quite a long time recently mulling over Emmanuel Macron's peculiar choice of wife."]] [["How about something that's literally 1000 words of placating Andrew King's ego?"]] [["I just can't stop thinking about Sweden. Can I write something about Sweden? Get it off my chest and stuff. God, I just love Sweden. Did I mention the Swedes?"]] [[How does Eureka feel about Savage-esque think-pieces or poetry? ]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> Ah, fuck, there's no milk. =><= ''END OF ACT 1'' [[Continue?]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write the breakfast satire, which will probably not be very funny and get rejected from Eureka, making this entire choose-your-own-adventure, and hence, your precious time, totally useless. Regardless, you decide to cut to the chase. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". The blonde interjects again. "''I'm Claude. My pleasure.''" The editor appears to realise far before Claude that you were actually talking to him. "''Shut up, he was talking to me!''" He turns to you, his expression quickly turning from a light velour of disgust to one of relief. "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the longest pun about eggs ever written. (set: $route to "break") (set: $claude to "yes") He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Great. [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> The editor seems far too pleased with himself that you have rejected the satirical article. However, you have an inkling that it will be written up at a later date by the blonde boy, and perhaps someone with a far better sense of satirical humour. The editor turns back to you. (set: $claude to "cuck")(set: $moral to $moral-1) "''Good choice. Now, if you're short of ideas, you could write a thinkpiece on the current state of the European Union. Those are always in demand. I'm sure you've got a novel opinion on the subject. It definitely hasn't been done to death. Otherwise, maybe something cultural?''" [[Write a thinkpiece on the EU]] [[Think about the cultural topics you could cover]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> You decide to write the breakfast satire, which will probably not be very funny and get rejected from Eureka, making this entire choose-your-own-adventure, and hence, your precious time, totally useless. Regardless, you decide to cut to the chase. "''Sorry, I didn't catch your name''". The blonde interjects again. "''I'm Claude. My pleasure, your *eggxcellency*.''" The editor appears to realise far before Claude that you were actually talking to him. "''Shut up, he was talking to me! Also, that pun was shit.''" He turns to you, his expression quickly turning from a light velour of disgust to one of relief. "''I'm Ido Vock, editor of Eureka. Pleased to meet you.''" He offers you a firm handshake, and you're not sure why, because you've just committed to writing the longest pun about eggs ever written. He briefs you on the deadline for the first draft. Great. (set: $route to "pun") (set: $claude to "yes") [[Go and make yourself a coffee before your next lecture]]

=><= ''ACT II, PART I: BRINGING A DOG TO A COCKFIGHT'' <==> You didn't even know there was a top floor of the Huntley, but it's where Eureka is holding its first meeting. It started at 7.00 and it's 7.05 right now. But realistically, how quick do you need to be? (set: $huntley to 0) [[Sprint into the Huntley without stopping like you're worried Ido is going to kill you]] [[Saunter in and flash your UCL ID to the guards like the legend you think you are]]

A collection of hooks (if:$claude is "yes")[Hurrah!](if:$claude is "cuck")[GREAT SCOTT!](else:)[Where's the cuck?] (if:$route is "pun")[You picked the Pun](if:$route is "break")[you picked the Breakfast](if:$route is "macron")[You picked the President](if:$route is "EU")[You picked the EU](if:$route is "dave")[You picked the Pig](if:$route is "swede")[You picked the Swede](if:$route is "hick")[You picked the Hick](if:$route is "king")[You picked the King]. (if:$moral is 4)[You're mean](if:$moral is 5)[You're alright](if:$moral is 6)[You're great]. Items Protein Powder $protein Croissant $croissant Draft article (breakfast / pun) $break Bad Banter (all) $badbanter Pun Nuance (breakfast/pun) $fast Background Nuance $background Cultural Nuance (macron, swede, king) $cultural Tab Nuance (all) $tab Continental Nuance (all) $continental

=><= ''UCLU Corridor'' <==> As you sprint through the second set of doors, the door guards pick you up. "''Hey, where's your ID?''" (set: $huntley to $huntley+1) They seem pretty angry. [[Show them your I.D]] [[Show them a signed photograph of Andrew King]] [[Show them your fine ass]]

=><= ''UCLU Corridor'' <==> Note: you are not really a legend. But you got into the bar. [[Head on down->Huntley Ground Floor]]

=><= ''UCLU Corridor'' <==> Ah, the trusty I.D. It never fails. They let you through, obviously. [[Continue your hot sprint->Huntley Ground Floor]]

=><= ''UCLU Corridor'' <==> (if: $route is "king")[You show the guards your favourite signed photograph of the ESPS programme administrator and explain that you have come here purely to pursue a dissection of the man and his times. And you promise you definitely won't get bevved. The guards are enthralled by this. They let you through. (set: $guards to "king")(set: $article to "photo") [[Continue to the bar->Huntley Ground Floor]] ] (else:)[Despite your best attempts, the hastily scrawled image of Andrew King penned on a napkin does not convince the guards. Moreover, they have a pathological phobia of all UCL staff. (set: $huntley to $huntley+1) [[Get your I.D card out instead and go through to the bar->Huntley Ground Floor]]]

=><= ''UCLU Corridor'' <==> (if: $route is "macron")[As all good UCL students know, staff actually prefer a cheeky twerk to any real form of I.D. They let you through without a second glance (at your ass). [[Head through to the bar->Huntley Ground Floor]]] (if: $route is "dave")[As all good UCL students know, staff actually prefer a cheeky twerk to any real form of I.D. They let you through without a second glance (at your ass). [[Head through to the bar->Huntley Ground Floor]]] (else:)[Unfortunately your ass is unconvincing - *offensive, even* - and the guards go the extra mile by showing you the door. You get thrown out. [[Lesson learned: bros don't let bros skip Leg Day.->Inexplicably, thanks to Andrew King, you are being thrown out of the Huntley.]]]

=><= ''The Huntley''(set: $huntley to $huntley+1) <==> You're on the ground floor of the Huntley. Obviously, the bar is here. You could get really bevved, although you're not sure if your choice of article topic is best planned while blind drunk. You also see the team from Pi Media sitting by a table in the corner, where they belong. [[Head straight upstairs->You head upstairs.]] [[Acquire a beverage]] [[Take a moment to ridicule Pi Media]]

=><= ''The Huntley'' <==> (if: $guards is "king")[You step over to the bar to order a drink. However, just as you are about to collect a fresh pint, you see a member of the guard staff out of the corner of your eye. They see you too. Then they see Andrew King's monograph. On the floor. [[Inexplicably, thanks to Andrew King, you are being thrown out of the Huntley.]]] (else:)[(set: $bev to 0)You step up to the bar and order: =><= [a pint]<getpint| / |notpint>[something else?]] (click: ?notpint)[ =><= [a crisp white?]<getwine| / |notwine>[something else?] ] (click: ?notwine)[ =><= [a litre of straight rum?]<getrum| / |notrum>[something else?] ] (click: ?notrum)[ =><= [a tap water?]<getwater| ](click: ?getpint)[(if: $bev <2)[(set: $huntley to $huntley+1)You get the pint.(set: $bev to $bev + 1) (set: $beer to 1)](else:)[No, you can't quite afford that.]](click: ?getwine)[(if: $bev <2)[(set: $huntley to $huntley+1) You get the wine.(set: $bev to $bev + 1)(set: $wine to 1)](else:)[ No, you can't quite afford that.]](click: ?getrum)[(if: $bev <1)[(set: $huntley to $huntley+1)You get the rum. You already *feel* fucked. (set: $rum to 1)(set: $bev to $bev +3)](else:)[ No, you can't quite afford that.]](click: ?getwater)[(if: $bev >0)[(set: $bev to 1)](set: $huntley to $huntley+1)(set: $water to 1) You get the tap water. No judgement here.] [[Time to go upstairs, then->You head upstairs.]].

=><= ''The Huntley'' (set: $huntley to $huntley + 1) <==> You walk over to their cute little table and are about to shout 'nerds' in the least clever or subtle way possible when you notice something off-piste in their magazine plan. [[Investigate further]] [[Be crass anyway]]

=><= ''Gower Place'' <==> Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Eureka. You should probably find a way back into the pub. [[Stop giving a shit about this damn magazine (And keep giving shits about Andrew King)]] |sneakin>[Sneak back into the huntley. Schneaky Schneaky] (click: ?sneakin)[[[Go in through a window.->Go in through a window.]] [[Wait for the current door guards to take a break.]]]

=><= ''YOU ARE FAKE NEWS'' <==> Alright then. Honestly? You want the game to end like that? Get out. Game over man, game over! [[Click here to see your scores.->scoreboard]]

(if: $moral is 2)[] (if: $moral is 3)[] (if: $moral is 4)[] (if: $moral is 5)[] (if: $moral is 6)[] (if: $moral is 7)[You've been an excellent individual - and easily a candidate for the next Andrew King.] Hmm this isn't finished yet

=><= ''Gower Place'' <==> (if: $route is "hick")[(set: $huntley to $huntley+2)You swiftly re-enter through a nearby window, because your general pragmatism makes this sort of thing easy as fuck.] (if: $route is "swede")[(set: $huntley to $huntley+1)You spot a Swedish friend through the window and get them to give you a leg-up into the Huntley. Thank God for Sverige.] (else:)[(set: $huntley to $huntley + 4)It takes bloody ages, but you get into the Huntley again. Makes you wonder why you bothered, to be honest.] [[Head to the bar.->Huntley Ground Floor]]

=><= ''The Huntley'' <==> It takes a while, but one of the guards eventually takes a break, because the ranting from upstairs is stressing him out owing to its sheer euroscepticism. You hope that ranting isn't tied to Eureka, but it definitely is. And you're running really late. (set: $huntley to $huntley+3) [[Head to the bar->Huntley Ground Floor]]

=><= ''The Huntley'' <==> You see Pi have a European special planned for their next issue. This could mean doom for Eureka, (if: $route is "swede")[and your euro-centric article with it.](if: $route is "EU")[and your euro-centric article with it.](if: $route is "breakfast")[and your euro-centric article with it.](if: $route is "pun")[and your euro-centric article with it.](if: $route is "hick")[and your euro-centric article with it.](if: $route is "macron")[and your euro-centric article with it.](if: $route is "dave")[and your euro-centric article with it.](if: $route is "king")[but your piece on Andrew should be fine.] Maybe you should let Ido know about this... (set: $pi to 1) Also, you see a white jar sitting untouched under the table. [Pick up the jar]<getprotein| (click: ?getprotein)[ You got a small jar of protein powder. Hmm. Might come in handy if you need to punch somebody at short notice. (set: $protein to 1)] [[Go back to the bar->Huntley Ground Floor]] [[Head upstairs->You head upstairs.]]

=><= ''The Huntley'' <==> You shout 'lol nerds' like a right nobhead and run.(set: $moral to $moral-1) (if: $out is 1)[Better get going before the guards throw you out *again*. =><= [[You head upstairs.]]](else:)[No time to lose. =><= [[You head upstairs.]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (if: $huntley is 1)[You arrive at 7.07. Remarkable stuff.](if: $huntley is 2)[You arrive at 7.10. Reasonably on time. Ido seems non-plussed by your presence.](if: $huntley is 3)[You arrive at 7.12. The meeting is still going on, and you don't feel out of place.](if: $huntley is 4)[You arrive at 7.15. The meeting is still going on, and you don't feel out of place.](if: $huntley is 5)[You arrive at 7.17. The meeting is still going on, and you don't feel out of place.](if: $huntley is 6)[You arrive at 7.20. It looks like things are winding up at the meeting, and there's quite a few empty pizza boxes.](if: $huntley is 7)[You arrive at 7.22. It looks like things are winding up at the meeting, and there's quite a few empty pizza boxes.](if: $huntley is 8)[You arrive at 7.25. It looks like things are winding up at the meeting, and there's quite a few empty pizza boxes.](if: $huntley >8)[You arrive at 7.30. The meeting is basically over, and your arrival provokes perplexed looks from all, except Ido, who just appears unrivalled in not giving a flying fuck.] (if: $beer is 1)["''Good choice of beer.''" says a guy with glasses.](if: $wine is 1)["''Wine. For the classy one.''" says Ido.](if: $rum is 1)["''Jesus. They go hard.''" says a guy with glasses.] (if: $water is 1)[(if: $bev is 0)[You walk into the room with your glass of insipid blankness. Sorry, what was that about judgement?(set: $puss to 1)]](if: $water is 0)[(if: $bev is 0)[You walk into the room. Everyone has drinks, except for you. You feel dejected, immediately. Fuck.](if: $bev is 2)["''Wow! What an eclectic mix of beverages!''" says (if: $claude is "yes")[Claude](if: $claude is "cuck")[the cuck from last time](else:)[a blonde boy].]](set: $huntley to $huntley + 1) [[Employ an infinity of platitudes and bisou-bisou any available French girls as you slide into the room]] [[Say hello]] [[Shout "what up bitches" like an absolute bastard]]

=><= ''ESPS Common Room'' <==> (if: $route is "pun")[](if: $route is "breakfast")[](else:)[Suddenly, Henry Taylor bursts into the common room. It is evident that he has been bulking. Henry starts speaking in tongues. Tongues that feature an egg-based pun in every sentence. And every time Ido tells him to stop, the puns become more convoluted. "''You really have eggs-trapolated the value of your own pompous rhetoric!''" "''STOP TALKING IN PUNS PLEASE.''" "''Eggs-cuse me, but I believe I have every right to eggs-ercise my freedom of speech in this common room.''" "''Shut up!''" "''You're being quite rude Ido, care to eggs-plain yourself to my fist, I mean egg?''" This looks like it's about to get real messy, real fast. And the fresh copies of Eureka are right there on the coffee table. Shit. [[Side with Ido]] [[Side with Henry]] [[Try to break it up]] (if: $croissant is 1)[(Croissant) [[Throw croissants at everyone]]] (if: $protein is 1)[(Protein Powder) [Consume vast amounts of protein powder]<getbuff| (click: ?getbuff)[ You are now buff! Now pick a side.(set: $buff to 1)]] ]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> No one really acknowledges your entrance, which could be construed as a good thing, if you hate people. (set: $up to 0)(set: $vock to 1) "''Alright?''" he asks. [[What are we doing this evening?]] [[Who else is here?]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> Everyone is visibly impressed by your entrance. Also Ido giggles, which isn't something you thought he could do. (set: $up to 1)(set: $vock to 2) "''Alright?''" he asks. [[What are we doing this evening?]] [[Who else is here?]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> Inexplicably, no one thinks you're a cock. In fact, they welcome your irreverance. Ido isn't really charmed, but who said this was about impressing him anyway? (set: $up to 1) (set: $vock to 0) "''Alright?''" he asks. [[What are we doing this evening?]] [[Who else is here?]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> "''Well, there's two main jobs on the table tonight.''" says Ido. "''We need to discuss how our articles are going, and we also need to select a third politics sub-editor.''" he continues. [Ask why they need a third subeditor when realistically Ido does 99% of all tasks]<sub| (click: ?sub)[ "''Well,''" Ido explains, "''I'm actually planning to make Jack an honourary 'co-editor', because I needed to come up with a greater esteem to give him while circumventing all union rules. Because fuck Dmitry.''" (set: $huntley to $huntley +1) "''But don't tell Claude this. He'd probably get really pissy about it and then later work it into a text adventure game.''" (set: $text to 1)] [Subconsciously check how far along you are with your article]<article| (click: ?article)[ (set: $huntley to $huntley +1)(if: $route is "king")[You've had a flick through your Andrew King photo album and considered his role in the Spanish Civil War, but it's generally going pretty slowly.](if:$route is "pun")[You looked at an egg for a bit and thought about the nature of wordplay. And then you took a hit. That was four weeks ago. Fuck.](if:$route is "break")[You ate breakfast today. It was lit. That's literally all the work you've done for anything in the last week. Fuck.](if:$route is "macron")[You watched the last presidential debate in preparation. No, hang on, maybe that was a fever dream. Fuck.](if:$route is "EU")[You read a book or something on the EU, because you're boring. Fuck, you're boring! Fuck.](if:$route is "dave")[You made a cheeky hog roast in the oven the other night, and then checked to see if you had any urge to fuck it, or if it was provoking any interesting takes on Eastern Europe. A solid no on both counts. Fuck.](if:$route is "swede")[You've tried being Swedish, but that just sort of annoyed your classmates. Fuck.](if:$route is "hick")[You are 0% along with your article because you spent all of last night on Rightmove. God fucking damn it.]] [[Ask who else is here->Who else is here?]] (if: $huntley >10)[[[Time is short. Moving on...->Moving on]]](else:)[[[Anyway, better crack on.->Moving on]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> Ido makes sure to fill you in.(set: $huntley to $huntley + 1) "''There's Jack. He's your straightforward ESPS man: pretends Wimbledon is in London, thinks grime is a reputable music genre, maintains a pessimistic view on the EU despite his entire future career relying on it. He is, as such, politics subeditor.''" "(if: $claude is "cuck")[''Over there is the cuck from the common room, but we usually call him Claude, unless he's being a cuck.''](if: $claude is "yes")[''Oh, and over there is Claude, who you've already met. For better or for worse.''](else:)[''Over there is Claude. He's politics subeditor with Jack, and a vaguely contemptible human being to boot. These are the kind of people I freely choose to associate with.'']" "''Next to Jack is Henry, who is a banterous lad with nothing to prove. (if: $route is "breakfast")[I think his article idea also features eggs.](if: $route is "pun")[I think his article also features a range of poorly-judged puns.](else:)[ I think he's planning to co opt a satire with Claude. About Breakfast. I have no doubt that it will be shit and unpublishable.]''" "''Also here is George. He's culture subeditor, which is another way of saying he wanted to look like he was doing a job for Eureka. In fact, I have about 8 more of those non-jobs. Anyway, nice bloke. Likes drinking and comparative politics. Usually the latter followed by the former.''" "''Finally there is Orlagh. She is writing an article about something vaguely foreign, I think. Also, if you mention potatoes to her she will be forced to kill you. But you know, other than that, she tends to be good for a laugh. Haha. For-laugh. Banter. Yeahboiii.''" Orlagh overhears this and scowls at Ido. [[Laugh politely]] [[Laugh directly at Orlagh]] [[Disparage Ido's poor pun-manship]] (if: $protein is 1)[(Protein Powder)[[Throw a jar of protein at Ido]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (set: $orlagh to 0)You laugh politely. Gee. I guess you're not out to please *anyone*. Anyway... (set: $huntley to $huntley +1) [[Ask what's going on->What are we doing this evening?]] (if: $huntley >10)[[[Time is short. Moving on...->Moving on]]](else:)[[[Anyway, better crack on.->Moving on]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (set: $orlagh to -1)Orlagh is displeased, but it was banter, right? (Yes. The answer is yes.) Anyway... (set: $huntley to $huntley +1)(set: $moral to $moral -1) [[Ask what's going on->What are we doing this evening?]] (if: $huntley >10)[[[Time is short. Moving on...->Moving on]]](else:)[[[Anyway, better crack on.->Moving on]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (set: $orlagh to 1)Orlagh is impressed that you show her name a lil bit of respect. Anyway... (set: $huntley to $huntley +1) [[Ask what's going on->What are we doing this evening?]] (if: $huntley >10)[[[Time is short. Moving on...->Moving on]]](else:)[[[Anyway, better crack on.->Moving on]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (if: $huntley <9)["''Right, so, we haven't been here particularly long, have we? Why don't we just hang around for a bit before we deal with any actual work?''" suggests Ido. Everyone else agrees. It looks like you have some time to get to know these unique ESPS personalities a little better! Or not. [[Talk to Ido]] [[Talk to Claude]] [[Talk to Henry]] [[Talk to George]] [[Talk to Orlagh]] [[Wait around until Ido gives his announcement]] ](if: $huntley >9)[Without further ado, Ido jumps straight to the conclusion. "''As the rest of you have heard, I'm looking to appoint a third politics sub-editor tonight. Your job would mostly involve feeding my ego and subtweeting the New Statesman. Any takers?''" No one raises their hand. (if: $puss is 1)[[[You timidly sip your boring tap water.->Take a drink]]](else:)[(if: $bev is not 0)[[[Take a drink->Take a drink]] [[Stay stone cold sober; this looks like it's about to get intense.]]](else:)[[[Wait to see if someone raises their hand.->Wait to see if someone raises their hand.]]]] ]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> *clunk* Everyone bursts out laughing at your comic timing. It feels like you just gained some kind of inherent banter. Oh man, if only there was some kind of scoring mechanism for that... **...** =><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 1) ^ Nice one! Although items in this game are single use, so no bulking for you. Anyway.(set: $orlagh to 1)(set: $protein to 0) [[Ask what's going on->What are we doing this evening?]] (if: $huntley >10)[[[Time is short. Moving on...->Moving on]]](else:)[[[Better crack on.->Moving on]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Balcony'' <==> You pop outside. You didn't even know the Huntley had a balcony! In fact, you're pretty much sure it doesn't. You're about to start questioning whether this game is ESPS canon, when suddenly... ''"Listen, I need to ask you a very important question."'' You turn around to find Henry Taylor closing the door to the totally-not-canon balcony behind him. The two of you are alone, and the awkwardness of the scene inside the huntley is firmly behind you. ''"How do you feel about breakfast?"'' (if: $route is "breakfast")[ [["I love it so much I'm writing an article about it".]] [[ "Breakfast is alright. I like it, even."]] [["Breakfast is subordinate to lunch, and everyone who is even slightly health-conscious recognises this ultimate fact of the universe."]] [[Remain silent.]] [[Shout "Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers!"]]] [["Breakfast is subordinate to lunch, and everyone who is even slightly health-conscious recognises this ultimate fact of the universe."]] [[Remain silent.]]] (else:)[ (if: $route is "pun")[[["I love it so much I'm writing an article about it".]] [[ "Breakfast is alright. I like it, even."]] [["Breakfast is subordinate to lunch, and everyone who is even slightly health-conscious recognises this ultimate fact of the universe."]] [[Remain silent.]] [[Shout "Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers!"]] ] (else:)[ [[ "Breakfast is alright. I like it, even."]] [["Breakfast is subordinate to lunch, and everyone who is even slightly health-conscious recognises this ultimate fact of the universe."]] [[Remain silent.]] [[Shout "Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers!"]]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (set: $iv to 1)You approach Ido. He seems pleased to talk to you! That's new. (if: $orlagh <0)[Maybe it's because you encouraged his horrifying wordplay. The price you pay for fame, I guess.] Ido spends about ten minutes telling you about his favourite newspaper correspondents, and how they've helped him develop into the fierce metropolitan elite he is now. You're not sure what you gained from this conversation, but it's definitely given you something to read. (You got the Background Nuance!)(set: $background to 1)(click: ?sabo)[ Ido is visibly not shocked at all by the news. Like, he clearly didn't know about it, he just appears to be choosing not to give a fuck. "''They had a two page spread once that was literally just a crep check. Their europhilia will pale in comparison to our brazen, nonsensical scepticism. Also, I'm not afraid of Pi Media anyway. Eureka really isn't that good. It doesn't need to aspire to be good. So it doesn't need to top Pi Media, ever.''" You find this disparaging - but at the same time, you recognise it is definitely quite a hot take on the interlocking relationships between magazines at UCL. You thank yourself lucky you're not writing for the Cheese Grater. Ido continues: "''But thanks for letting me know. We can probably satirise this somehow. I love good satire. Absolutely hate shit satire though. (if:$route is "pun")[I really hope no one tries to write any shit satire for Eureka this time around. ](if: $route is "breakfast")[I really hope no one tries to write any shit satire for Eureka this time around. ]Anyway, seriously - thank you. Here. You can have one of my spare 35mm film reels. Haven't used it yet. You look like the kind of person that *gets* alternative photography.''"(set: $reel to 1) You choose to reserve telling him that you don't know what this funny container does. Drink coffee out of it? Use it to criticise Dan Hannan? Fuck knows. ] (if: $pi is 1)[ [Tell Ido about Pi Media's plan to sabotage Eureka by writing their own Eurocentric article]<sabo| ](set: $huntley to $huntley +1)(if: $huntley <8)[(if: $iv is not 1)[ [[Talk to Ido]] ](if: $cl is not 1)[ [[Talk to Claude]] ](if: $ht is not 1)[ [[Talk to Henry]] ](if: $gw is not 1)[ [[Talk to George]] ](if: $ot is not 1)[ [[Talk to Orlagh]] ] [[Wait around until Ido gives his announcement]] ](if: $huntley >7)[ [[Looks like Ido is about to make his announcement.]] ]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (set: $cl to 1)You walk up to Claude and introduce yourself (if: $claude is "yes")[again](if: $claude is "cuck")[again]. He tells you about how he thought this meeting would have more things in it than it actually does. Then he drinks some of his half pint, of a beer you haven't heard of and probably wouldn't like. This is on his assurance(if:$claude is "cuck")[, which just re-affirms the cuck status you already established.]. He then tells you about how Ido can be quite a hard taskmaster. (if: $route is "pun")[However, it seems like he's looking forward to working with you on the first draft of your breakfast-brexit article. He hands you the draft he's written, in the hopes you might hold onto some of the references to putting Jean-Claude Juncker in a freezer. You know full well that you won't. Oh well. Most of the other writers probably don't get a headstart like this, so you count yourself lucky. (You got the draft article!)(set: $break to 1)](else:)[(if: $route is "breakfast")[However, it seems like he's looking forward to working with you on the first draft of your breakfast-brexit article. He hands you the draft he's written, in the hopes you might hold onto some of the horrendous puns on display. You want to cut them, but they make up about half of the article. Maybe you shouldn't have given him so many ideas when you were chatting shit about eggs in the common room. Fuck. (You got the draft article!)(set: $break to 1)](else:)[He spends the next five minutes trying to give you some tips that will help you write an article that Ido will not hate. You feel like you gain some level of journalistic nuance from this conversation. That might come in handy... (You got the Journalistic Nuance!)(set: $journalistic to 1)]] (click: ?coed)[ Claude isn't impressed by what you just told him, but he also doesn't seem particularly shocked. "''Oh.''" he says. "''Thanks for letting me know. I wish I had something to offer you, but all I have is all this bad banter. I guess I could give you some of it? Maybe it'll come in handy if I write a text adventure, to help you beat the final level or something. Maybe.''" [ [Accept the offering?]<bant| (if: $claude is "yes")[The boy seems trustworthy enough...](else:)[It could be a trap(if: $claude is "cuck")[. You can't always trust cucks]...] ]<coed| (click: ?bant)[(You got the Bad Banter!)(set: $badbanter to 1) ] ](if: $text is 1)[ [Tell Claude about Ido's plan to make Jack a co-editor]<coed| ](set: $huntley to $huntley +1)(if: $huntley <8)[(if: $iv is not 1)[ [[Talk to Ido]] ](if: $cl is not 1)[ [[Talk to Claude]] ](if: $ht is not 1)[ [[Talk to Henry]] ](if: $gw is not 1)[ [[Talk to George]] ](if: $ot is not 1)[ [[Talk to Orlagh]] ] [[Wait around until Ido gives his announcement]] ](if: $huntley >7)[ [[Looks like Ido is about to make his announcement.]] ]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (set: $ht to 1)You go to have a chat with Henry Taylor. This guy's banter immediately seems like it's incredibly strong. Like, dangerously so. "''I hope Ido's keeping tabs on this banter...''" you say. "''Did somebody say the Tab?''" shouts Ido. The boy then downs his drink and starts miming a boxing move. Shit. Looks like there's some beef going on there. Maybe you should read The Tab, to figure out exactly what you *shouldn't* be writing... (You got The Tab Nuance!) (set: $tab to 1) (if: $route is "pun")[Continuing your conversation with Henry, he turns out to be surprisingly good at coming up with puns. This looks like it could come in handy when you edit up the Breakfast article. (You got the Pun Nuance!)(set: $fast to 1)](else:)[(if: $route is "breakfast")[Continuing your conversation with Henry, he turns out to be surprisingly good at coming up with puns. This looks like it could come in handy when you edit up the Breakfast article. (You got the Pun Nuance!)(set: $fast to 1)]](set: $huntley to $huntley +1)(if: $huntley <8)[(if: $iv is not 1)[ [[Talk to Ido]] ](if: $cl is not 1)[ [[Talk to Claude]] ](if: $ht is not 1)[ [[Talk to Henry]] ](if: $gw is not 1)[ [[Talk to George]] ](if: $ot is not 1)[ [[Talk to Orlagh]] ] [[Wait around until Ido gives his announcement]] ](if: $huntley >7)[ [[Looks like Ido is about to make his announcement.]] ]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (set: $gw to 1)You decide to go and speak to George. He seems like a really nice guy. Also, you can tell he's not drinking you under the table. Which is generally positive.(if:$route is "macron")[George's position as cultural editor gives you some extra help in planning your article. (You got Cultural Nuance!) (set: $cultural to 1) ](if:$route is "swede")[George's position as cultural editor gives you some extra help in planning your article. (You got Cultural Nuance!) (set: $cultural to 1) ](if:$route is "king")[George's position as cultural editor gives you some extra help in planning your article. (You got Cultural Nuance!) (set: $cultural to 1) ] (set: $huntley to $huntley +1)(if: $huntley <8)[(if: $iv is not 1)[ [[Talk to Ido]] ](if: $cl is not 1)[ [[Talk to Claude]] ](if: $ht is not 1)[ [[Talk to Henry]] ](if: $gw is not 1)[ [[Talk to George]] ](if: $ot is not 1)[ [[Talk to Orlagh]] ] [[Wait around until Ido gives his announcement]] ](if: $huntley >7)[ [[Looks like Ido is about to make his announcement.]] ]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> (if: $orlagh is -1)[You go and talk to Orlagh. She tells you of the struggles of the continent, the strange shapes of bread and stranger shapes of dog. You are enthralled by this but you also wonder if she is just lying to impress you. You should really bother to go to Paris at some point.](if: $orlagh is 0)[You go and talk to Orlagh. She tells you of the struggles of the continent, the strange shapes of bread and stranger shapes of dog. You are enthralled by this but you also wonder if she is just lying to impress you. You should really bother to go to Paris at some point. In fact, she invites you to come with her, but you're not sure you'll get a chance before you have to write this darned article of yours. (if: $route is "macron")[However, she gives you valuable insight on your vaguely French topic. (You gained Continental Nuance!)(set:$continental to 1)]](if: $orlagh is 1)[You go and talk to Orlagh. She tells you of the struggles of the continent, the strange shapes of bread and stranger shapes of dog. You are enthralled by this but you also wonder if she is just lying to impress you. You should really bother to go to Paris at some point. In fact, she invites you to come with her, but you're not sure you'll get a chance before you have to write this darned article of yours. (if: $route is "macron")[However, she gives you valuable insight on your vaguely French topic. (You gained Continental Nuance!)(set:$continental to 1)] At the end of your conversation Orlagh propositions you: a croissant. [Take the croissant?]<cros| (click: ?cros)[You got the Croissant!(set: $croissant to 1)]](set: $ot to 1) (set: $huntley to $huntley +1)(if: $huntley <8)[(if: $iv is not 1)[ [[Talk to Ido]] ](if: $cl is not 1)[ [[Talk to Claude]] ](if: $ht is not 1)[ [[Talk to Henry]] ](if: $gw is not 1)[ [[Talk to George]] ](if: $ot is not 1)[ [[Talk to Orlagh]] ] [[Wait around until Ido gives his announcement]] ](if: $huntley >7)[ [[Looks like Ido is about to make his announcement.]] ]

=><= ''The Huntley: Balcony'' <==> You pop outside. You didn't even know the Huntley had a balcony! In fact, you're pretty much sure it doesn't. You're about to start questioning whether this game is ESPS canon, when suddenly... ''"Listen, I need to ask you a very important question."'' You turn around to find Henry Taylor closing the door to the totally-not-canon balcony behind him. The two of you are alone, and the awkwardness of the scene inside the huntley is firmly behind you. ''"How do you feel about breakfast?"'' You choose to remain silent. ''"There are some in this group who hardly feel positive about the notion of breakfast. Some who favour the settlement of breakfast territory by displaced meals such as brunch. Many have dismissed this as a conspiracy, but I know it's real, or my name's not Henry 'Down It' Taylor."'' You try to stifle your laughter. ''"Anyway. I'm telling you this because Ido is firmly anti-breakfast. He will stand against any moves made in pro-breakfast interests. So, I'm planning to overthrow him and destroy Eureka. In a fight to the death. Or a hilarious drinking game, whichever is easier to programme into a non-canonical ESPS text adventure."'' "The fourth wall!" you shout. Henry turns around to see Ido standing there, having *literally* broken through the fourth wall of the Huntley to get onto the balcony. He invites you to come back into the Huntley. He's made a snap decision in your absence for who the next sub-editor will be. [[Step back inside]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Balcony'' <==> You pop outside. You didn't even know the Huntley had a balcony! In fact, you're pretty much sure it doesn't. You're about to start questioning whether this game is ESPS canon, when suddenly... ''"Listen, I need to ask you a very important question."'' You turn around to find Henry Taylor closing the door to the totally-not-canon balcony behind him. The two of you are alone, and the awkwardness of the scene inside the huntley is firmly behind you. ''"How do you feel about breakfast?"'' You shout "Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers!" ''"Was that a cheeky Peep Show reference? Nice one."'' (if: $banter is 0)[=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 1) ^](if: $banter is 1)[=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 2) ^] You have received an additional point on the bantometer! Even if you didn't get the reference. ''"Anyway, there are some in this group who hardly feel positive about the notion of breakfast. Some who favour the settlement of breakfast territory by displaced meals such as brunch. Many have dismissed this as a conspiracy, but I know it's real, or my name's not Henry 'Men with Ven' Taylor."'' You try to stifle your laughter. ''"Anyway. I'm telling you this because Ido is firmly anti-breakfast. He will stand against any moves made in pro-breakfast interests. So, I'm planning to overthrow him and destroy Eureka. In a fight to the death. Or a hilarious drinking game, whichever is easier to programme into a non-canonical ESPS text adventure."'' "The fourth wall!" you shout. Henry turns around to see Ido standing there, having *literally* broken through the fourth wall of the Huntley to get onto the balcony. He invites you to come back into the Huntley. He's made a snap decision in your absence for who the next sub-editor will be. [[Step back inside]]=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 1) ^

=><= ''The Huntley: Balcony'' <==> You pop outside. You didn't even know the Huntley had a balcony! In fact, you're pretty much sure it doesn't. You're about to start questioning whether this game is ESPS canon, when suddenly... ''"Listen, I need to ask you a very important question."'' You turn around to find Henry Taylor closing the door to the totally-not-canon balcony behind him. The two of you are alone, and the awkwardness of the scene inside the huntley is firmly behind you. ''"How do you feel about breakfast?"'' "Breakfast is alright. I like it, even." ''"Good! You're on my side, then."'' You ask what Henry is implying. ''"There are some in this group who hardly feel positive about the notion of breakfast. Some who favour the settlement of breakfast territory by displaced meals such as brunch. Many have dismissed this as a conspiracy, but I know it's real, or my name's not Henry 'Not the Coccyx' Taylor."'' You try to stifle your laughter. ''"Anyway. I'm telling you this because Ido is firmly anti-breakfast. He will stand against any moves made in pro-breakfast interests. So, I'm planning to overthrow him and destroy Eureka. In a fight to the death. Or a hilarious drinking game, whichever is easier to programme into a non-canonical ESPS text adventure."'' "The fourth wall!" you shout. Henry turns around to see Ido standing there, having *literally* broken through the fourth wall of the Huntley to get onto the balcony. He invites you to come back into the Huntley. He's made a snap decision in your absence for who the next sub-editor will be. [[Step back inside]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Balcony'' <==> You pop outside. You didn't even know the Huntley had a balcony! In fact, you're pretty much sure it doesn't. You're about to start questioning whether this game is ESPS canon, when suddenly... ''"Listen, I need to ask you a very important question."'' You turn around to find Henry Taylor closing the door to the totally-not-canon balcony behind him. The two of you are alone, and the awkwardness of the scene inside the huntley is firmly behind you. ''"How do you feel about breakfast?"'' "I love it so much I'm writing an article about it." (if: $ht is 1)[''"Oh yeah, I remember you saying. So you're on my side, yeah?"''](else:)[''"Oh, why didn't you say? A fellow breakfast comrade, then."''] You ask what Henry is implying. ''"There are some in this group who hardly feel positive about the notion of breakfast. Some who favour the settlement of breakfast territory by displaced meals such as brunch. Many have dismissed this as a conspiracy, but I know it's real, or my name's not Henry 'Salt the Wound' Taylor."'' You try to stifle your laughter. ''"Anyway. I'm telling you this because Ido is firmly anti-breakfast. He will stand against any moves made in pro-breakfast interests. So, I'm planning to overthrow him and destroy Eureka. In a fight to the death. Or a hilarious drinking game, whichever is easier to programme into a non-canonical ESPS text adventure."'' "The fourth wall!" you shout. Henry turns around to see Ido standing there, having *literally* broken through the fourth wall of the Huntley to get onto the balcony. He invites you to come back into the Huntley. He's made a snap decision in your absence for who the next sub-editor will be. [[Step back inside]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Balcony'' <==> You pop outside. You didn't even know the Huntley had a balcony! In fact, you're pretty much sure it doesn't. You're about to start questioning whether this game is ESPS canon, when suddenly... ''"Listen, I need to ask you a very important question."'' You turn around to find Henry Taylor closing the door to the totally-not-canon balcony behind him. The two of you are alone, and the awkwardness of the scene inside the huntley is firmly behind you. ''"How do you feel about breakfast?"'' "Breakfast is subordinate to lunch, and everyone who is even slightly health-conscious recognises this ultimate fact of the universe." ''"Ah, I see, you are with *them*, then."'' You ask what Henry is implying. ''"There are some in this group who hardly feel positive about the notion of breakfast. Some who favour the settlement of breakfast territory by displaced meals such as brunch. Many have dismissed this as a conspiracy, but I know it's real, or my name's not Henry 'Creme Anglaise' Taylor."'' You try to stifle your laughter. ''"Anyway. I'm telling you this because Ido is firmly anti-breakfast. He will stand against any moves made in pro-breakfast interests. So, I'm planning to overthrow him and destroy Eureka. In a fight to the death. Or a hilarious drinking game, whichever is easier to programme into a non-canonical ESPS text adventure."'' "The fourth wall!" you shout. Henry turns around to see Ido standing there, having *literally* broken through the fourth wall of the Huntley to get onto the balcony. He invites you to come back into the Huntley. He's made a snap decision in your absence for who the next sub-editor will be. [[Step back inside]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> Without further ado, Ido jumps straight to the conclusion. "''As I was saying, here is our new, unanimously elected, politics sub-editor!''" Ido points at you. ''"Our new sub-editor, ladies and gentlemen!"'' The room is silent. One person boos. Henry 'Not the Coccyx' Taylor gives you a look, as if to say 'this is all part of the plan'. Although it could also mean 'I am going to have eggy bread for tea'. Ido scans the room. No one claps. ''"That's the end of the meeting."'' Everyone claps. [[Leave the Huntley->Leave Henry]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> You throw the polaroid in the bin. Probably wouldn't come in handy anyway. You're pretty much certain Ido didn't notice. His ego, however, is another matter. [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> You got Ido's prized polaroid! (set: $polaroid to 1) It'll probably be completely useless. The signature reads 'Ido Vock. With love, from Ido Vock.' ESPS has some characters, doesn't it? [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> Without further ado, Ido jumps straight to the conclusion. "''As the rest of you have heard, I'm looking to appoint a third politics sub-editor tonight. Your job would mostly involve feeding my ego and subtweeting the New Statesman. Any takers?''" No one raises their hand. You take a drink. (if: $bev is 3)[Christ. That rum was a bad shout.](if: $bev is 2)[You feel just about fine, too. Just going to wait for someone to raise their hand...](if: $bev is 1)[Christ. This drink is insufficient for the gravitasse of what's going on. This is very awkward.](if: $bev is 0)[The water does nothing to calm your nerves. In fact, you might need to pop out for a moment.] You stay entirely motionless. ''"Really? No one's interested? I can offer a signed photo of my face as a promotional reward. Exclusive."'' You remain motionless. Silence cloaks the room in a shroud of awkwardness, even more severe than before. You take another drink. You keep your mouth shut. (if: $bev is 3)[Then the rum steps in. It clearly has other ideas. "I will be boss editor!" you shout. Then you violently heave directly onto George's coat. (set: $george to -1)Then, you flip the bird at Ido and scream "hummus for Palestine!" Then you run out of the room. [[Leave the Huntley]] ](if: $bev is 2)[Then the beverages step in for you. "I will be boss editor!" you shout. Then you spend 2 minutes pretending to sing karaoke to popular dance hit song *Despacito*. Inexplicably, everyone cheers you when you finish. ''"Honestly?"'' mouths Ido. ''"That's the best pitch I've ever seen."'' He motions a standing ovation. The entire top floor joins in. You're a fucking legend. (set: $moral to $moral+1) (if: $banter is 1)[=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 2) ^] [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]] ](if: $bev is 1)[However, you've had enough to drink that you actually summon an inexplicable micro-belch from somewhere in your windpipe. Ido glances at you. ''"Was that a self-nomination?"'' Before you can protest he has raised your hand and started what little ceremony Eureka seems to have. ''"Thank you! Our new sub-editor, ladies and gentlemen!"'' No one claps. ''"That's the end of the meeting."'' Everyone claps. [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]](if: $bev is 0)[(if:$water is 1)[ Ido glances at you and gives you a suggestive look, wondering if you will nomate yourself. [[Nominate yourself]] [[Punch Ido Vock in the cleft of his ass]]]](if: $water is 0)[(if: $bev is 0)[Ido glances at you and gives you a suggestive look, wondering if you will nomate yourself. [[Nominate yourself]] [[Punch Ido Vock in the cleft of his ass]]]]

=><= ''Your Shitty Flat: Bedroom'' <==> You stagger home. When you finally make it back, you have one unread text message: ''FROM: IDO VOCK'' "Hey, sorry about what happened to you in the bar. George asked me to nominate you as sub-editor because you ruined his coat. Not that this job is a punishment or anything. Someone's got to do it, and that someone is you, you shining beacon of drunk banter! Seriously though that coat was worth like £100." You decide to reply in the morning. For the time being, you have an urgent meeting with a room that is just a toilet. [[Do terrible things to a toilet bowl->End Part I]]

=><= ''ACT II: PART II: WORD PROCESSING AND A GENTLE CHIRPSE'' <==> You are in your bedroom, on a quiet Saturday a few weeks after the last Eureka meeting. You weren't really thinking about it, but your entirely reluctant position as sub-editor means you should probably consider writing your article by the deadline. (set: $quality to 0)(set: $route to "king") (if:$route is "pun")[[[Write the article->pun]]](if:$route is "break")[[[Write the article->breakfast]]](if:$route is "macron")[[[Write the article->macron]]](if:$route is "EU")[[[Write the article->eu]]](if:$route is "dave")[[[Write the article->dave]]](if:$route is "swede")[[[Write the article->swede]]](if:$route is "hick")[[[Write the article->hick]]](if:$route is "king")[[[Write the article->king]]]. [[Don't write the article]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> You got Ido's prized polaroid! (set: $sharp to 1) It'll probably be completely useless, unless you get into a gang fight with the guys outside his flat who sell the sweet green. The signature on the photo reads 'Ido Vock. With love, from Ido Vock.' ESPS has some characters, doesn't it? [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]

=><= ''Your Flat'' <==> Seriously? This is like the whole game. [[Don't write the article->Don't write II]] (if:$route is "pun")[[[Actually write the article->pun]]](if:$route is "break")[[[Actually write the article->breakfast]]](if:$route is "macron")[[[Actually write the article->macron]]](if:$route is "EU")[[[Actually write the article->eu]]](if:$route is "dave")[[[Actually write the article->dave]]](if:$route is "swede")[[[Actually write the article->swede]]](if:$route is "hick")[[[Actually write the article->hick]]](if:$route is "king")[[[Actually write the article->king]]].

You stay entirely motionless. ''"Really? No one's interested? I can offer a signed photo of my face as a promotional reward. Exclusive."'' You remain motionless. Silence cloaks the room in a shroud of awkwardness, even more severe than before. You take a drink. More silence. You keep your mouth shut. (if: $bev is 3)[Then the rum steps in. It clearly has other ideas. "I will be boss editor!" you shout. Then you spend 2 minutes pretending to sing karaoke to popular dance hit song *Despacito*. Inexplicably, everyone cheers you when you finish. ''"Honestly?"'' mouths Ido. ''"That's the best pitch I've ever seen."'' He motions a standing ovation. The entire top floor joins in. You're a fucking legend. (set: $moral to $moral+1) (if: $banter is 0)[=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 1) ^](if: $banter is 1)[=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 2) ^] You have received an additional point on the bantometer! [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]] ](if: $bev is 2)[However, you've had enough to drink that you actually summon an inexplicable micro-belch from somewhere in your windpipe. Ido glances at you. ''"Was that a self-nomination?"'' Before you can protest he has raised your hand and started what little ceremony Eureka seems to have. ''"Thank you! Our new sub-editor, ladies and gentlemen!"'' No one claps. ''"That's the end of the meeting."'' Everyone claps. [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]](if: $bev is 1)[However, you've had enough to drink that you actually summon an inexplicable micro-belch from somewhere in your windpipe. Ido glances at you. ''"Was that a self-nomination?"'' Before you can protest he has raised your hand and started what little ceremony Eureka seems to have. ''"Thank you! Our new sub-editor, ladies and gentlemen!"'' No one claps. ''"That's the end of the meeting."'' Everyone claps. [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]](if: $bev is 0)[(if:$water is 1)[ Ido glances at you and gives you a suggestive look, wondering if you will nomate yourself. [[Nominate yourself]] [[Punch Ido Vock in the cleft of his ass]]]](if: $water is 0)[(if: $bev is 0)[Ido glances at you and gives you a suggestive look, wondering if you will nomate yourself. [[Nominate yourself]] [[Punch Ido Vock in the cleft of his ass]]]]

=><= ''The Huntley: Top Floor'' <==> Without further ado, Ido jumps straight to the conclusion. "''As the rest of you have heard, I'm looking to appoint a third politics sub-editor tonight. Your job would mostly involve feeding my ego and subtweeting the New Statesman. Any takers?''" No one raises their hand. You wait to see if someone raises their hand. No one raises their hand. Fuck. You stay entirely motionless. ''"Really? No one's interested? I can offer a signed photo of my face as a promotional reward. Exclusive."'' You remain motionless. Silence cloaks the room in a shroud of awkwardness, even more severe than before. You take a drink. More silence. You keep your mouth shut. (if: $bev is 3)[Then the rum steps in. It clearly has other ideas. "I will be boss editor!" you shout. Then you spend 2 minutes pretending to sing karaoke to popular dance hit song *Despacito*. Inexplicably, everyone cheers you when you finish. ''"Honestly?"'' mouths Ido. ''"That's the best pitch I've ever seen."'' He motions a standing ovation. The entire top floor joins in. You're a fucking legend. (set: $moral to $moral+1) (if: $banter is 0)[=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 1) ^](if: $banter is 1)[=><= ''BANTOMETER'' <==> 1 2 3 4 5 (set: $banter to 2) ^] You have received an additional point on the bantometer! [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]] ](if: $bev is 2)[However, you've had enough to drink that you actually summon an inexplicable micro-belch from somewhere in your windpipe. Ido glances at you. ''"Was that a self-nomination?"'' Before you can protest he has raised your hand and started what little ceremony Eureka seems to have. ''"Thank you! Our new sub-editor, ladies and gentlemen!"'' No one claps. ''"That's the end of the meeting."'' Everyone claps. [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]](if: $bev is 1)[However, you've had enough to drink that you actually summon an inexplicable micro-belch from somewhere in your windpipe. Ido glances at you. ''"Was that a self-nomination?"'' Before you can protest he has raised your hand and started what little ceremony Eureka seems to have. ''"Thank you! Our new sub-editor, ladies and gentlemen!"'' No one claps. ''"That's the end of the meeting."'' Everyone claps. [[Leave the Huntley->End Part I]]](if: $bev is 0)[(if:$water is 1)[ Ido glances at you and gives you a suggestive look, wondering if you will nomate yourself. [[Nominate yourself]] [[Punch Ido Vock in the cleft of his ass]]]](if: $water is 0)[(if: $bev is 0)[Ido glances at you and gives you a suggestive look, wondering if you will nomate yourself. [[Nominate yourself]] [[Punch Ido Vock in the cleft of his ass]]]]

=><= ''Your Shitty Flat: Bedroom'' <==> You walk home. When you finally make it back, you have one unread text message: ''FROM: HENRY TAYLOR'' "Hey, sorry about what happened to you in the bar. Sounds like a pointless job you've been landed with. Remember though: breakfast means breakfast. Eureka will be taken down. And breakfast will enter a new renaissance. Also, you should definitely not tell anyone my plan." (set: $plan to 1) You decide to reply in the morning. For the time being, you have an urgent meeting with a (if: $route is breakfast)[bowl of cereal.](else:)[(if: $route is pun)[bowl of cereal.](else:)[diplomat to attend to. Jokes, this is ESPS. You're going to bed after quickly pre-planning how to receive unemployment benefit.]] [[Resign yourself to your future->End Part I]]

=><= ''Your Flat'' <==> You decide to not write the article. The next time you see Ido, he punches you in the eardrum. You didn't think it was possible to be punched in that specific a place, but it turns out that if you're a dick to the game, the game'll be a dick to you. Game over man, game over! [[Click here to see your scores.->scoreboard]]

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=><= ''Your Flat'' <==> You begin your article on Andrew King. Where do you start? (if: $article is "photo")[ [[You retell the story of how you were let into a UCL bar simply by flaunting a photo of Andrew King. The setting makes the story, after all.]] ](else:)[ [[You reflect on the stalwart beauty of your photograph of Andrew King.]] ] [[You invite a critical comparison between Andrew King and his colleague, Phillipe Marliere, in order to claim that the former has superior organisational skills.]] [[Memes.]]

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=><= ''Your Flat'' <==> You begin your article on Andrew King. Where do you start? Memes. You try and work through some memes that you can tie into Andrew King. (if: $background is 1)[You use the Background Nuance you received from Ido to craft even more memey memes! These include 'he protec, he attac, but most importantly he replies to emails with heightened rapidity' and 'andy king is one thicc bih, lemme see that ESPS-y'.] How do you want to continue the article? Make references to popular culture that integrate the importance of people that have the surname King and may or may not be related to Andrew (if: $cultural is 1)[Using the Cultural Nuance you received from George, you write up a touching collage of pop culture references including but not limited to The Fresh King of Bel Air, The Andrew King's Speech, and Andrew Kingsley, the main protagonist of E4 sitcom FrESPSh MeatSPS. (set: $quality to $quality +3) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017->Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 20173]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities->Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities3]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king->Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king3]] ](else:)[You write up a touching collage of pop culture references including but not limited to The Fresh King of Bel Air, The Andrew King's Speech, and Andrew Kingsley, the main protagonist of E4 sitcom FrESPSh MeatSPS. (set: $quality to $quality +2) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017->Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 20173]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities->Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities3]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king->Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king3]]]

=><= ''Your Flat'' <==> You begin your article on Andrew King. Where do you start? Memes. You try and work through some memes that you can tie into Andrew King. (if: $background is 1)[You use the Background Nuance you received from Ido to craft even more memey memes! These include 'he protec, he attac, but most importantly he replies to emails with heightened rapidity' and 'andy king is one thicc bih, lemme see that ESPS-y'. How do you want to continue the article?] Reveal the complex historical mythos behind the man (if: $cultural is 1)[Using the Cultural Nuance you received from George, you are able to craft an intelligent yet almost entirely embellished history of the House of King, of which Andrew is presumably the final descendant, unless he has a child or something? Oh man, can you imagine. (set: $quality to $quality +2) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017->Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 20174]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities->Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities4]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king->Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king4]] ](else:)[You write a brief expose on the life and times of Andrew, how he came to be programme administrator at UCL, and how he probably has quite soft hair. Don't look at me like that! You wrote it! (set: $quality to $quality +1) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017->Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 20174]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities->Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities4]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king->Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king4]]]

=><= ''Your Flat: Kitchen'' <==> You grab a beverage of your choice and call your mother. This takes about 3 hours out of your day, easily. Procrastination is an art. (if:$route is "pun")[[[Finish the article->pun2]]](if:$route is "break")[[[Finish the article->breakfast2]]](if:$route is "macron")[[[Finish the article->macron2]]](if:$route is "EU")[[[Finish the article->eu2]]](if:$route is "dave")[[[Finish the article->dave2]]](if:$route is "swede")[[[Finish the article->swede2]]](if:$route is "hick")[[[Finish the articlee->hick2]]](if:$route is "king")[[[Finish the article->king2]]].

=><= ''Your Flat'' <==> You begin your article on Andrew King. Where do you start? Memes. You try and work through some memes that you can tie into Andrew King. You try and come up with some Andrew King related memes, but you are struggling to finish the sentence 'he protecc, he attacc, but most importantly (if:$kingmeme is "email")[He replies to emails with heightened rapidity You begin your article as such. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.](if:$kingmeme is "blacc")[He blacc You begin your article as such, even though it's blatantly factually incorrect and mildly insensitive to everyone involved. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.](if: $kingmeme is "chirac")[He kno Jacques Chirac You begin your article as such. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.] How do you want to continue the article? Make references to popular culture that integrate the importance of people that have the surname King and may or may not be related to Andrew (if: $cultural is 1)[Using the Cultural Nuance you received from George, you write up a touching collage of pop culture references including but not limited to The Fresh King of Bel Air, The Andrew King's Speech, and Andrew Kingsley, the main protagonist of E4 sitcom FrESPSh MeatSPS. (set: $quality to $quality +3) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017->Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 20172]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities->Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities2]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king->Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king2]] ](else:)[You write up a touching collage of pop culture references including but not limited to The Fresh King of Bel Air, The Andrew King's Speech, and Andrew Kingsley, the main protagonist of E4 sitcom FrESPSh MeatSPS. (set: $quality to $quality +2) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017->Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 20172]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities->Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities2]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king->Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king2]]]

=><= ''Your Flat'' <==> You begin your article on Andrew King. Where do you start? Memes. You try and work through some memes that you can tie into Andrew King. You try and come up with some Andrew King related memes, but you are struggling to finish the sentence 'he protecc, he attacc, but most importantly (if:$kingmeme is "email")[He replies to emails with heightened rapidity You begin your article as such. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.](if:$kingmeme is "blacc")[He blacc You begin your article as such, even though it's blatantly factually incorrect and mildly insensitive to everyone involved. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.](if: $kingmeme is "chirac")[He kno Jacques Chirac You begin your article as such. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.] How do you want to continue the article? Reveal the complex historical mythos behind the man (if: $cultural is 1)[Using the Cultural Nuance you received from George, you are able to craft an intelligent yet almost entirely embellished history of the House of King, of which Andrew is presumably the final descendant, unless he has a child or something? Oh man, can you imagine. (set: $quality to $quality +2) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king]] ](else:)[You write a brief expose on the life and times of Andrew, how he came to be programme administrator at UCL, and how he probably has quite soft hair. Don't look at me like that! You wrote it! (set: $quality to $quality +1) You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? [[Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017]] [[Consider whether Andrew's office could, in some circumstances, have Tardis-like qualities]] [[Consider whether Andrew has ever met an actual king]]]

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You begin your article on Andrew King. Where do you start? Memes. You try and work through some memes that you can tie into Andrew King. You try and come up with some Andrew King related memes, but you are struggling to finish the sentence 'he protecc, he attacc, but most importantly (if:$kingmeme is "email")[He replies to emails with heightened rapidity You begin your article as such. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.](if:$kingmeme is "blacc")[He blacc You begin your article as such, even though it's blatantly factually incorrect and mildly insensitive to everyone involved. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.](if: $kingmeme is "chirac")[He kno Jacques Chirac You begin your article as such. Fuck knows if Ido will be amused.] How do you want to continue the article? Reveal the complex historical mythos behind the man (if: $cultural is 1)[Using the Cultural Nuance you received from George, you are able to craft an intelligent yet almost entirely embellished history of the House of King, of which Andrew is presumably the final descendant, unless he has a child or something? Oh man, can you imagine. You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017] (else:)[You write a brief expose on the life and times of Andrew, how he came to be programme administrator at UCL, and how he probably has quite soft hair. Don't look at me like that! You wrote it! You are reaching the latter half of the article. Where will you go from here? Consider whether Andrew would also appreciate a "strong flat white" - A. Greene, 2017 You consider this. ]

Double-click this passage to edit it.